monolog 19

this love is good, this love is bad 

this love is alive back from the dead

these hands had to let it go free

and this love came back to me

your lips, your cherry red lips

was what made me fall in love with you

but for a six year old me

what do i know about falling in love?

all i know is 

i like you a lot

like, a lot, a lot.

i like your silky hair, and how soft it felt when i ran my fingers through 'em

i like your chubby cheeks, especially when they turn red when you're embarrassed

or when you're tired from all the running

i like your voice

i like the electric feeling that run down my spine

each time our skin brushes

i like everything about you

everything that is you

is simply perfect

and each of them makes me fall in love with you

but then again

what do a six year old me knows about love

what do i know

this love is good, this love is bad 

this love is alive back from the dead

these hands has to let it go free

and this love came back to me

when we're eight

you transferred from our school to another

you started to have other friends

i started to feel scared

i was scared that one day i will lose you

i was scared that one day, you'll forget about me

i was scared that i will be replaced

but you chased away all of that feeling

 by still spending time with me

you're still my friend

we're still the same inseparable pair of friends

and i thought, what could happen?

we're just eight

and that eight year old me thought that

both of us will be together forever

but then again

what does an eight year old me know about forever

and just like that

everything changed when we're nine

you moved away, to the other part of the town

and just like that

i lost you

i lost my best friend

i lost my first love

this love is good, this love is bad 

this love is alive back from the dead

this hands has to let it go free

and this love came back to me

i lost you

i lost my only best friend

i lost my love

and just like that, my world turned dark

i still remember the silent tears that run on my face that night

i still remember the damp i felt on my pillow

i still remember the heartbreak

i still remember the pain of losing you

and i know

what do a nine year old me know about heartbreak

but what i do know at that time is

it hurts

it hurts so bad i couldn't breathe

this love is good, this love is bad 

this love is alive back from the dead

these hands had to let it go free

and this love come back to me

when we're 12

you came to our house

i was excited

i was giddy

i was all the words in the dictionary can explain on happiness

i was looking forward to meet you again

in my mind

i played all the way of how i should greet you

how i should speak to you

how i should act

everything

simply because i was so excited

i mean, we haven't met for like 3 years

and there are just so many things i wanted to tell you

but when i saw your face

i was lost of words

i became so nervous that i couldn't speak

so instead, i just stared at you

and that's when i knew

i missed you

i missed you so much that words couldn't explain it

a few days later

its my family's turn to come to your house

but you're not there

i was disappointed, really

after i ate, i sat on the chair at your porch

and then you came home

and all the happy feelings that resurfaced, burnt when i saw your face

because at that time i knew

i was replaced.

and that was enough for me to know that i had to let go

but i didnt.

this love is good, this love is bad 

this love is alive back from the dead

these hands had to let it go free

and this love came back to me

and now i'm 20

i thought eight years was enough for me to let go

for me to forget

and i thought i've made a good job in forgetting you

until one day

you visited me in my dream

in that dream, i was so happy

i was so in love with you

we spent our time like there's no tomorrow in that dream

just like magic, you seemed to know its almost the end of the dream

as you held my hand and looked at me with glassy eyes

and you said,

'i'm sorry..'

and i woke up.

and all the feelings that i thought i've forgotten

the feelings that i thought were dead

came back

and here i am

making a second entry about you.

cause i know, even when i deny it

i know

i still love you

and i miss you.

.

..

this love left a permanent mark 

this love is glowing in the dark

these hands had to let it go free

and this love came back to me

i know you wont read this.

i know this feeling wont ever reach you

and i know for a fact that you have someone else

that you love dearly

i know, because i saw the way your eyes sparkled for her

for, mine sparkled for you

and i know 

that i need to move on

i know i need to leave all our memories

but my stubborn heart doesnt want to

i wont say these words to your face

but know this

i love you

and

i miss you

i miss you so much it's hard to breathe

i love you much that it shatters my heart

i love you so much that i know

i had to let go

when the time comes

but for now

let me love you.

and again, what do a 20 year old me knows about love?